hey kanmani,

18 years.

I have known you for 18 years.

that actually sounds insane when I say it loud because how are we actually grown women now?

Yes we did not talk for like 4–5 years after I moved schools but realistically… who is giving 10 year olds phones 😅

sometimes I try to think back to our childhood and honestly, I cannot remember everything.

I just remember you.

two tall girls standing in the back of the class.
Singing hymns from a religion we did not even belong to.
you somehow continued to grow taller while I clearly stopped 😭

Small things like that stayed with me.

And I still remember that one fight.

Someone caused an issue between us and I completely overreacted. I got upset, ripped paper into pieces and acted like the dramatic kid I was.

And on one of those pieces of paper you had written,

“hair keeps growing but you still need to brush it. Friendships are like that.”

I did not fully understand what you meant back then.

I do now.

Because somehow…
18 years later,
you are still here.

Even during the years we barely talked after I moved schools, I still called you my best friend.

I remember being surrounded by people speaking in sinhala, a language I barely understood properly at that time except for basic conversations, unfamiliar people, mean kids, trying to fit into a place that never fully felt like mine and somehow still carrying you quietly in the back of my mind.

And when we reconnected years later, you loved me exactly the same.

Like no time had passed.

I do not think I call myself lucky very often, but meeting you in 2008 feels like one of the luckiest things that has ever happened to me.

And now look at us 😭

we literally talk about weddings and we do not even have husbands yet.

where we want to settle,
How close our houses should be,
Which countries we want to travel to,
What our future children would act like.

Sometimes I genuinely laugh thinking about how we planned an entire future together before finding actual men.

And honestly…

I can imagine life without a husband.

I genuinely cannot imagine life without you.

People say we are basically sisters and honestly… yeah.

but I think we are something deeper than that too.

We are just connected.

Like in every version of life,
we would somehow find each other again.

You have seen every version of me too.

The jealous one.
the possessive one.
The stubborn one.
The self-conscious one.
The overprotective one.
The version of me that gets angry and says things she should not say.

And somehow you still stay.

Sometimes I genuinely sit there and think,
“why the fuck is she still here?”

Because babe…
I know I am not easy.

I rant, you listen.
I cry, you are there.
I am happy, you are there.
I am mad, you are there.
I am mad at you and somehow you are still there.

And maybe that is what love actually is.

Not loving someone only when they are easy to love.

But choosing them in every version.

Even the difficult ones.

I have never had to look for landmines with you.

With you, I am just myself.

And honestly that terrifies me sometimes because I know I am not always the best person, but being loved by you makes me want to become one.

You make me want to love myself more.
You make me want to become softer.
More understanding.
More spiritual.

You always remind me that people love me for who I am even when I struggle to believe it myself.

And somehow we balance each other out.

You are calm in the ways I am chaotic.
You are mature in moments where I act childish.
But whenever you are the one breaking, something inside me automatically becomes softer too.

We always know when to be serious and when to joke around.

Sometimes one of us cries and the other says what needs to be said first…

and then immediately starts bullying the other person because sarcastic humour somehow became our love language.

“azhu, azhu, nalla azhu. nee azhugaradha naa paakanum.”
(cry cry, I want to see you cry.)

like who says that 😭

but that is us.

Most of our memories are not even physical memories.

They are FaceTime memories.

Movies.
Cooking.
drinks.
Late night talks.
You obsessing over BTS and anything Korean.
Me brushing my teeth while you pretend to be annoyed even though I know you secretly enjoy it.

And even with 14,085 km between us,
you still feel close to me.

Closer than most people standing beside me.

Sometimes you do not answer for a while and logically I know you are probably busy, but another part of me starts overthinking.

Which is exactly why we share locations even though realistically what am I going to do from another continent 😭

but still.

It gives me comfort.

Because the thought of something happening to you is something my heart genuinely refuses to understand.

You are my rock.

And maybe that is why, even when we had that phase where we barely spoke for almost a year,
we still found our way back to each other.

I said things I should not have said.
You apologized even when you did not need to.

And somehow, after everything,
after all the ego and hurt and silence,
we still chose each other again.

That is love to me.

Not perfection.

Not never fighting.

Not pretending everything is OKay.

Just…
choosing each other over and over again.

And watching you grow up has genuinely been one of the most beautiful things ever.

You grew with kindness, patience, maturity, and this soft lovable heart while somehow still being funny and chaotic.

You are genuinely a walking green flag and I am standing beside you as the red flag best friend.

But somehow it works.

We love our craziness.
We love our mistakes.
We love who we were as kids.
We love who we are becoming now.

And I think we always will.

You did not just love me.

You gave me a whole family.

Hottie loves me like her own.
Thalivaar is always ready for fun and chaos.
Thangachi being the sweetest.
and thambi… yeah I know you are annoyed.

And then there is us.

Vodka.
pulla thooki.
Mr. gentleman.
Racer.
Basketball.
S/A.
Itachi.

All these code names… all this chaos… all these little things that would make no sense to anyone else.

But to me, they mean everything.

(And vodka is still my favourite… I know what you’re thinking 😭)

sometimes I sit there and think about how much of my life has you in it.

Like I could genuinely write a whole book about you.

And still feel like I did not say enough.

May 7th.

The day one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known was born.

And I am so proud to say she is my childhood best friend,

my ride or die,
my safe place,
my free entertainment,
my therapist,
my fashion designer,
my personal virtual chef,
my soulmate in friendship form.

my kanmani.

my person.

my soul.

and no, we are not lesbians 😅 we are just this connected.

happy birthday babe.

I love you endlessly 🖤